The Book
The Art of the Bonsai Potato Kit comes with a detailed 64-page book, or what we like to call "an epic pamphlet." It is historically accurate and provides everything you need to know to quickly and efficiently achieve inner peace and tranquility.
Sprinkled throughout the book are illustrations by Bonsai Potato master Mike Dillon, which recapture the Bonsai Potato's grand history and demonstrate the many ways to grow, train and prune your potato. Beautiful color images of the different types of growth are also included in the book, thanks to Jim Linna.
Written by Sensei Jeff Fitzsimmons, the book is divided into the following sections, each of which includes excerpts for your reading enjoyment.
Introduction: A Brief History of Bonsai
In 925 A.D. the Irish decided to send emissaries to Japan to study the country's art and culture and integrate it into their own. The plan was poorly funded and a low priority, but eventually they found a single volunteer. Young Kieran McGlynn traveled throughout Japan for 8 years gathering information.
Upon his return the people of Ireland found Mr. McGlynn had "poorer than average recollection," but he spoke constantly of "stunted plants displaying incredible beauty and providing great tranquility in their cultivation." When asked how they were created he couldn't recall exactly, but he vowed to eventually recreate them. He started cultivating the local plants and discovered the most successful one was also the most available: the potato. His experiments revolutionized the art of Bonsai.
Mr. McGlynn found that by using potatoes not only could he create astonishing results in months rather than decades, but the plants did not require re-potting, fertilizer or even water.
The art of the Bonsai Potato was born!
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Section 1: Zen and the Art of Bonsai
In a simplified form, Zen is a journey to the mind through spiritual enlightenment and physical meditation.
Throughout history, Bonsai cultivation has provided people with a tremendous source of tranquility and inner harmony. Traditional bonsai require acute attention to detail, patience and discipline. These qualities are perfect for Zen meditation, because they remove the artist from the body by introducing a larger time-scale for the mind to function in.
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Section 2: Zen and the Art of the Bonsai Potato
In the modern world, things are different. Nobody has time for discipline, patience and nonsensical allegories about people who obviously don't have jobs. There just isn't time!
The art of Bonsai Potato can change all of that. You can achieve inner peace in less than 10 minutes a week.
In this book you'll discover that nothing is more simple than cultivating a Bonsai Potato. This is a living plant that doesn't need soil, fertilizer, water or even sunlight. If you choose your Bonsai Potato wisely it will literally grow itself.
You still get to benefit from ancient Zen techniques, but in a more modern, timesaving context.
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Section 3: Choosing Your Potato
When walking over hot coals with bare feet the first step is very important. The same is true with selecting the proper potato for your Bonsai.
The choosing of the potato is an important and personal time for every Bonsai Potato artist. Great care should be taken to ensure that your vital energies are in order to enable you to interpret the inner vision of the potato.
Remember, you are not controlling the potato, you are merely acting as a means for the potato to accomplish its own artistic destiny. A true Bonsai Potato artist will learn to recognize and honor the intentions of the potato.
When shopping for your potato it is best to patronize a 24-hour grocery story in the late evening to avoid distracting crowds. This will give you ample "alone time" to browse the potato bins.
A Note On Evil Potatoes: It is important for you to know that there are good potatoes and evil potatoes. It is not important, however, for you to know the details. Suffice it to say, certain artistic visions should not be realized.
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Section 4: Starting Your Bonsai Potato
Once you've identified your most promising candidates, it is time to start your Bonsai Potato. The first step is to find a suitable home. A Bonsai Potato prefers and area that is dark, warm and humid. A shallow cave in South America would be perfect, but if that is inconvenient try a drawer in your office desk, a shelf in your closet or a cupboard in your kitchen (above the refrigerator works well).
If you have a potato that has proven to be extraordinarily promising, and you don't feel the need to start others, then you could start your your potato on the Bonsai Potato altar provided with your kit. (See "Section 7: Displaying Your Bonsai Potato")
WARNING: When starting the potato on the altar it is important to place the potato in an upright position. DO NOT PLACE YOUR POTATO UPSIDE DOWN ON THE ALTAR!*
*This is actually a Bonsai Potato joke dating back to 1412 A.D. It is credited to Bonsai Potato master Seamus O'Graaten who, in 1415, was found buried head-first up to his waist. One of his former students later confessed to his murder and was sentenced to death.
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Section 5: Types of Growth
There are a variety of types of Bonsai Potato growth patterns that you should be familiar with. The growth pattern is determined largely by the disposition of each individual potato and not necessarily (as one would think) by the potato. There are hundreds of Bonsai Potato growth patterns, but the following are the most common.
- Starburst Cluster
- Offspring Cluster
- Simple Stalk
- Starburst Cluster
- Squid Grouping
- Root Stalk
- Moon Ladder
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Section 6: Pruning and Training
Before you begin the training process, take a deep breath and remember: You are trying to encourage the creativity of the potato. A true Bonsai Potato artist learns to respect the inner vision of the potato.
Most potatoes are extremely creative and will become near perfect Bonsai Potatoes with little or no outside help.
Having said that, if you find your particular potato needs a little coaxing, or if your inner vision is slightly different than that of the potato, there are methods at your disposal to "help" the potato see the big picture.
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Section 7: Displaying Your Bonsai Potato
This should be an exciting time, because you are about to present your Bonsai Potato for all to see. You may or may not have put a lot of work into your Bonsai Potato, but either way you should be proud to show off the vegetable of your labor.
Prepare your home with subdued lighting and relaxing music.* Invite three to nine of your closest friends and family over. If they drink alcohol, a full-bodied red wine would be perfect for the occasion (a couple of glasses wouldn't hurt). Once everyone is relaxed, explain that you have become involved in a recently rediscovered, semi-ancient art form, and you would like to share with them this important, new part of your life.
*Pierre Keating's "Lamenting Bagpipes" is perfect for this occasion.
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Section 8: Documenting Your Bonsai Potato
Many people, realizing that their potato will not always be around, choose to somehow document their Bonsai Potato. In this way they create a legacy and form a deeper connection with their potato.
This section of the book highlights examples of Bonsai Potato artwork. Through Haiku, painting, drawing, dancing and, more recently, photography (see Gallery), people around the world have expressed to themselves and the world the profound connection they feel with their Bonsai Potatoes.
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Section 9: The Cycle of Life
In the autumn of your Bonsai Potato's life, you'll begin to notice some changes. The most obvious are the physical ones. The stalk growth will begin to look much like a rock. Your potato will have accomplished its primary artistic vision and is now developing "character". Unfortunately, a fine line exists between having character and being dead.
Emotionally, your potato will gradually become lethargic, then listless and, finally, totally unresponsive. Bonsai Potatoes are subject to bouts of depression or angst during their developmental period, but this is much more extreme.
Soon your Bonsai Potato will simply cease to function. It is now time to pass it on to the afterworld.
Note: A normal Bonsai Potato will wither away gracefully, but if you notice a strange odor or nonstandard growth patterns (e.g., mold), you should dispose of your potato immediately.
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Glossary of Terms
Here are just a few of the terms defined in the glossary:
- Altar - An ancient support container used to display a Bonsai Potato.
- Bonsai Potato - The art of nurturing the artistic expression of a potato through various forms of encouragement and manipulation.
- China - Vitrified crockery.
- Evil Potato - A potato with malicious artistic vision.
- Non-reflective geo-particulate growth support medium - Black gravel.
- S.P.U.D. - Society for the Promotion of Useless Diversions.
- Training - A controversial method of manipulating the artistic vision of a Bonsai Potato through wire bondage and psychological torture.
- Zen - See Zen.
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Appendix A: Meat and Potatoes — Quick Reference Guide
The art of the Bonsai Potato provide an opportunity to benefit from the creation of bonsai without the outrageous time investment.
For some this isn't good enough. You need to have satisfaction. NOW! You know who you are (you're probably only skimming this paragraph). STOP! Here's what you're looking for. The absolute bare bones guide to the art of the Bonsai Potato, with a hand reference to chapters for further research.
The book includes both a "Quick Reference Guide" and a "Quick Reference Guide - Abridged Version". Here's the abridged version:
- Get a potato.
- Put it on the base.
- Put it in the dark.
- Wait.
- Enjoy.
If you're still unable to wait for results, the kit comes with a surrogate Bonsai Potato. This will provide the illusion of accomplishment until you can actually achieve it.
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Appendix B: What am I Doing Wrong?
If something is going wrong, don't take it personally. Remember, you are helping the potato, so if something isn't working it's not your fault. It's the potato's fault.
Note: The old adage that "one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch" originated in Ireland as a Gaelic proverb about potatoes, which were commonly referred to as ground apples.
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